It's The ARRRRGGGHHH!!!YEAR END SPECTACULAR!!!

Featuring Special Guest Stars...

We've had a wonderful year haven't we. Not at all the kind of year that would drive a sober person to drink or that would make any reasonably intelligent person's ears bleed from stress. No it has been a wonderful year full of rational thought and a nation clearly looking at it's own needs and the needs of it's neighbors on Planet Earth and making a choice for President based on fact and not arbitrary misplaced Patriotism or possibly by the flip of a double headed coin. This Mid-February of 2005 (in no particular order)we look back at the jumble that was 2004.

*NIPPLE-GATE*
Parents of America... Only let your children watch sporting events with shotgun earmuffs and blindfolds on. This year lucky little boys all over the country got to see a few seconds of Janet Jackson's star spangled right breast. Only hours after the incident child crime rates dramatically rose everywhere in the country, juvenile detention centers filled beyond capacity, and kiddy electric chairs were being used around the clock. Luckily the conservatives in the country quickly became organized and started harassing the FCC non-stop demanding action be taken.

Certainly the FCC being a responsible government organization will look at the situation and decide reasonably what should happen. Or instead they could just charge the single biggest fine in FCC history ($550,000,000) and then start hounding any media or entertainment outlet that they receive a complaint for.

-Long Term Effects-

The long term consequences are not even on our radar yet. Now I am not calling Bubba the Love Sponge high art but that isn't really the point is it? What will be determined to be indecent next? The bigger long term effect is that this is resulting of Radio Stations, TV networks, Newspapers, Etc. to pull back on what they are willing to say. And now this is causing a numbing effect on the entertainment industry that wasn't particularly alert in the first place.

I don't want the what is socially acceptable for Cleveland, OH, Boston, MA, New York, NY, Los Angelos, CA, Atlanta, GA, or any other American city determined by the good people of Sugar Land, TX. Because there may be a tad of a culture gap between the two. Personally though I think we should all just get ready to sit down in front of the TV on a Saturday night to watch the broadcast of 'Footloose' with all the dance scenes cut out of it.

*MARTHA, MARTHA, MARTHA*
Alright so on 12/27/2001 Martha sells 4,000 shares of ImClone Systems, her buddy Samuel Waksal just happens to head this organization. Martha insists that the stock sale is based on a previous arrangement with her broker despite the fact that there is absolutely no evidence of it. On 12/28/2001 the FDA rejects an application for the Cancer Drug Erbitux, this oddly enough does not help ImClone Stock. In response some naysayers start claiming that Martha was somehow "tipped off" by Sam Waksal and this was what led to the sale of her stock.

So Martha lies about it... a lot. And this, in turn does not help her Baseball, Uncle Sam, and Apple Croustade image. So Martha "Living" earnings are cut in half and Martha eventually fesses up and is sentenced to 5 months in prison. Martha goes to the Judge and asks to start serving her time ASAP and is sent to "Camp Cupcake".

The best things that have come out of this fiasco are that according to sources Martha the "Queen of Contraband" was written up 3 times. Twice for smuggling eggs and once for "being too nice", it is sad to see that prison has hardened this cheerful egg stealing Ice Queen. Secondarily, reportedly Martha while in prison lost a Holiday decorating contest to a fellow inmate's team.

-Long Term Effects-

Everyone will feel just little bit guilty for buying her high thread count sheets and her pastel colored Ice Cube trays. I would say that this is going to show people with money that they follow the same rules that we do... and it does kinda but that isn't the whole truth. 5 Months is nothing and Martha is now making plans for her post prison job, a new talkshow that will start when her prison sentence is over... not scraping the grill at Arby's or doing backbreaking labor for $7.00 an hour. Those aren't the rules that I am familiar with. Thank god she is now rehabilitated... hopefully she doesn't try to shank any guards in the shower until then.

*RONALD REAGAN... MOURNING A JERK*
Honestly I did not know how to feel when I found out that President Reagan had died. I was laughing my ass off when I read The Onion Headline "Reagan's Body Dies" and after I thought about it a little more I realized that the the reason why I didn't like this man was based on what my smart friends had said and not my own experience or any sort of fact (although I was pretty sure that Reaganomics sucked). After all I was about 10 when he left the White House, so I don't feel to terribly bad.

So I decided to give the Teflon President a clean slate in my head, starting from scratch and learning to hate him once again. But to be polite I did give a few days before I started my research and I decided to mourn a fallen President.

I didn't want to be like those people after Kurt Cobain died showing up in a Nirvana shirt saying that I had actually always hated Reagan but I never really spoke about it. No, I was ready to use his death as a catalyst to jumpstart my hatred.

I wanted to find out information about Reagan... I had a problem. There is coverage about Reagan everywhere on American Television, Radio, and News Papers but none of it acknowledges him as anything but perfect, you can't go 5 minutes without seeing a story about how he once did charity work giving handjobs to orphans or some such shit. Luckily I have a magical box in my house and at work that allow me to search the "internet"

-Long Term Effects-

I could go over the things that I learned but I wouldn't want to ruin the process for all of you. What I did decide though is that Reagan was an evil president in a different way than Bush Jr. is. All I can say is that Reagan at least seemed to think that he was doing the right thing. He may have taken all kinds of money from different evil companies to get into the White House but with Reagan it seemed more like he was the one using them as opposed to the one who is being used.

Bush uses being President to help out everyone and anyone who will pay his fee or who has helped him in the past. And he is blatant about it. Reagan used everyone and anyone to become President and then fucked up on his own. In closing not a big fan of Reagan but I have no interest in pissing on his grave either.

*VIETNAM ER... UMM... IRAQ*
So it is official today, there were no weapons of mass destruction. The fact is that all the bleeding heart liberals who were crying and screaming and begging for any sort of proof of WMD were right. I don't mean to say I told you so but I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!!!

So now here we are hopelessly imbedded in country that a large portion of the population doesn't want us in. We have no exit strategy, and according to any and all evidence we didn't have one from the very beginning. Now, millions of lives have been destroyed and tens of thousands of people have been killed that possibly didn't have to. All because of the immediate danger that we now know for a fact never existed, because our President never bothered to get adequate intelligence, misplaced revenge for the assasination attempt of his father, and of course first and for most the Oil Industry, Haliburton, and any other number of different special interest groups that Bush helped out with this action.

I am guessing right now you are feeling a little helpless about the whole situation, you are feeling like there isn't much hope. Well it turns out you are right. You should embrace that feeling and go with it. We will be in Iraq at least for the next decade and Iran even longer than that. We will go into such phenominal amounts of debt as a country because of this that our grandchildren will be paying it off.

P.S. He Just asked for $80 Billion more.

Here is the deal, I am sick of writing about this stuff now. I will finish writing the year end special but my problem was that I started writing the year end spectacular for 2004 in mid January of 2005. So here is a partially finish year end mediocre.

More like Donald Dumbsfeld... Forgive me oh Lord.

The Feces gods have once again showered me with their magnificence. I am working all day today and I thought what better way to spread my holiday misery than to blog for a little bit. On the upside though I don't believe in the Baby Jesus and historically even if I did believe in him then I would know that he wasn't born anywhere near the winter solstice.

On that note Christmas is important to me as a celebration of family and friends not so much as a birthday party for history's most famous zombie. Actually a celebration of both family and crass commercialism. Everyone run out and buy "Strangle Me" Elmo.

Anyway onto to the insightful political commentary. Don't you think our President is a big dumb poo-head? ... Discuss.

Actually lets go for for tad more insightful than that. My current peeve is with Mr.Donald Rumsfeld. Donald Rumsfeld has some serious PR work to put in after his "You get ass-raped with the Army you have..." comment. Now he did make a surprise visit to Iraq to visit the troops but he is so gruff in his press conferences that it almost feels like he is trying to dishearten the troops. Nothing ever seems to be infatic with him. It is always "I would like to say that things are going to calm down before elections..." or "I truly believe that victory is achievable...". The problem is that victory needs to be "inevitable" and things will calm down "because of brave men and women like yourselves. Now this would still be bullshit but at least it would be bullshit that would cheer up some of the gullible troops.

Many are calling for his head because they are pissed and can't go after the President directly for this botched nightmare of a War. Be this fair or not Rumsfeld is a dumb-ass and the President needs to realize that staffing the White House with your marginally intelligent buddies is not enough. But then again all this will make for a great laugh for children reading thier history books a century or so from now.

Anyway, I hate everyone... Except you.

"Shocking" news about social security

So oddly enough even though it was never mentioned on the campaign trail the Bush administration now says it will have to borrow money to be able to revamp social security. But luckily they only have to borrow about $1-2 trillion over the next 10 years. We are getting into almost unfathomable amounts of money here.

How many generations will have to pay off the tab he is accumulating now?

Granted a lot of this was started into motion before he got into office... But his super natural ability to botch both domestic and foreign policy has led us to this course. And his refusal to listen to any other opinion except for that of his Daddy's friends or his now subservient dream team leaves us with few options short of bending over.

Thanks America, nice job with that whole election thing!

I really hate everyone... Except you.

More Abstinence Fiasco

Again this may be an oversight on my part but before I more or less referred to money being spent on Abstinence Only "education" as a waste and that it wouldn't teach anything and waste between 133-230 million dollars (we are now up to $170 million). Now in retrospect this isn't fair it doesn't give the kind of respect and fear that should be given to this kind of "education". The waxman study recently released shows that the information given in these classes is grossly inaccurate at best. The best articles I have found thus far are this, this, and this. I would love to get my hands on some of these curriculums but here are some of the biggest issues...

Among the misconceptions Waxman's investigators cited:

• A 43-day-old fetus is a "thinking person."
• HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, can be spread via sweat and tears.
• Condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse.

Now it is one thing to scare kids by showing them pictures of what happens to your penis after you get "the jack". But to out right lie to our children is just plain... Well status quo actually. But I don't want anymore of my tax dollars being spent on mis"educating" our youth. If you want to work up whatever fabulous presentation you can think of glorifying why you should wait that is fine. But don't use the name of the lord and don't fucking lie.

Most of the information is put out by this organization who I am sure I will try to investigate more later. The best thing is this...

Joe McIlhaney Jr., who runs the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, which developed much of the material that was surveyed, said he was "saddened" that Waxman chose to "blast" well-intentioned abstinence educators when there is much the two sides could agree on.

When the head of this organization was questioned as you can see he didn't try to show that the facts he provided were right. He didn't try to defend this literature, he just thought it was sad that someone would mention it. GRRRRR....

I think I may write them a letter.

Anyway, I hate everyone... Except you.